1 00:00:21,875 --> 00:00:24,001 (DlSTANT SIREN) 2 00:00:27,673 --> 00:00:30,174 (SNORlNG) 3 00:00:30,342 --> 00:00:33,135 (ALARM CLOCK GOES OFF) 4 00:00:37,474 --> 00:00:39,516 Aw, fuck... 5 00:00:54,491 --> 00:00:57,076 (MOBILE WITH "MATCH OF THE DAY" RlNGTONE) 6 00:00:57,244 --> 00:00:59,996 (GROANS) 7 00:01:05,127 --> 00:01:06,877 (RlNGING STOPS) 8 00:01:09,714 --> 00:01:11,423 Fuckin' hell! 9 00:01:11,591 --> 00:01:14,134 What's the matter with you? What? 10 00:01:14,302 --> 00:01:18,138 - I'm not a bloody prostitute! - All right, l'm sorry, l'm sorry. 11 00:01:18,348 --> 00:01:20,557 Christ's sake, this was our second date! 12 00:01:20,725 --> 00:01:23,226 Was it? Listen, listen, all right... 13 00:01:23,395 --> 00:01:26,187 I was on the tequilas last night and, um... 14 00:01:27,189 --> 00:01:30,734 - What is your name again? - Oh, you're kidding. 15 00:01:30,902 --> 00:01:33,570 Tell you what, if you was a prostitute... 16 00:01:33,738 --> 00:01:35,781 you know...you'd be caked. 17 00:01:39,661 --> 00:01:41,662 - Argh! - Ow! 18 00:01:42,579 --> 00:01:45,415 What's the matter with you? That was a compliment! 19 00:01:45,582 --> 00:01:49,502 You know what I mean, l can't win! I've got the pox of it. 20 00:01:49,670 --> 00:01:51,171 (CAR DOOR SLAMS) 21 00:01:51,338 --> 00:01:55,508 Tell you something else, you're only an old dog, anyway. 22 00:01:55,676 --> 00:01:58,678 Maybe "boys' weekend," wasn't the best choice of words. 23 00:01:58,845 --> 00:02:00,513 Whatever. Have a nice time. 24 00:02:00,681 --> 00:02:04,517 I'm not one of those guys who ditches his mates for his girlfriend! 25 00:02:04,685 --> 00:02:07,562 - I don't want you to ditch your mates! - What DO you want? 26 00:02:07,729 --> 00:02:09,730 An invite would've been nice. 27 00:02:13,026 --> 00:02:15,110 No girls allowed, darling. 28 00:02:20,534 --> 00:02:22,868 I didn't know there was gonna be strippers! 29 00:02:23,036 --> 00:02:26,706 - And Neil's not in charge. I am. - That fills me with confidence. 30 00:02:26,873 --> 00:02:29,625 I'm only going to my gran's. I'll be back on Monday. 31 00:02:29,793 --> 00:02:32,044 I'll have the locks changed before then. 32 00:02:37,133 --> 00:02:40,720 Bex, Bex... It's for Vince. Vince! 33 00:02:40,887 --> 00:02:43,639 He's helped me out so many times, I've lost count. 34 00:02:43,807 --> 00:02:46,976 When I first came to London, he supported me. I owe him. 35 00:02:47,143 --> 00:02:50,479 Lots of people get divorced, Mikey. He'll get over it. 36 00:02:50,646 --> 00:02:54,316 Yes, by spending a weekend getting trollied with his mates. 37 00:02:54,484 --> 00:02:57,611 Well, you can celebrate your own divorce with him! 38 00:02:57,778 --> 00:03:01,073 I thought you'd react like that, so l glued your ring on. 39 00:03:01,241 --> 00:03:05,535 - See you Monday, babe. Love you too! - Mikey, if you walk out that gate... 40 00:03:07,163 --> 00:03:08,998 (BEX SCREAMS) 41 00:03:09,165 --> 00:03:12,584 (WOMAN) You don't know whether you're coming or going, do you? 42 00:03:14,254 --> 00:03:16,213 Patrick! 43 00:03:18,549 --> 00:03:20,133 I'm going. I'm going! 44 00:03:20,301 --> 00:03:22,677 The first weekend my parents visit in years, 45 00:03:22,845 --> 00:03:26,431 and you bugger off to the wilderness to rediscover your testicles! 46 00:03:26,599 --> 00:03:29,851 It's bad enough l have to tell them you've quit your job... 47 00:03:30,019 --> 00:03:32,771 (WOMAN ON iPOD) Welcome to Sonic Stress Therapy. 48 00:03:32,938 --> 00:03:37,942 It's going to be a beautiful day. Let's start it with a smile. 49 00:03:38,110 --> 00:03:42,196 - Anxiety is almost the same... - Are you just gonna fucking go? 50 00:03:46,493 --> 00:03:48,369 (SIGHS) 51 00:04:07,014 --> 00:04:09,098 (MAN) No, no. 52 00:04:09,266 --> 00:04:15,271 It's a symbol of his identity, and the source of his primeval inner strength. 53 00:04:15,439 --> 00:04:18,566 So how come the Zombie Girls kick his arse on page four? 54 00:04:18,733 --> 00:04:21,652 How many times have l told you they're NOT zombies?! 55 00:04:21,820 --> 00:04:27,325 - All right, calm down. lt's only a comic. - No, no, it's not only a comic. 56 00:04:27,492 --> 00:04:32,120 This is a... It's a unique and often misunderstood art form. 57 00:04:32,288 --> 00:04:35,833 This...is a painstakingly crafted, 58 00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:40,588 and carefully balanced alignment of words and art, OK? 59 00:04:40,755 --> 00:04:43,924 - What, like TV? - Do you want it or not? 60 00:04:44,092 --> 00:04:47,553 - No, it's stupid. - Right, piss off! 61 00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:51,514 - Go on. We're closing early, OK? - What? Why? 62 00:04:51,683 --> 00:04:54,685 Space/time anomaly. 63 00:04:54,853 --> 00:04:58,188 You mean...you want a bit of time alone with your missus. 64 00:04:58,356 --> 00:05:00,648 Don't touch her. Get off her and get out! 65 00:05:00,817 --> 00:05:03,360 - (BOY LAUGHS) - Go on, then! 66 00:05:03,527 --> 00:05:05,863 Go on, out! And don't come back! 67 00:05:07,615 --> 00:05:09,699 Little knob-end. 68 00:05:18,334 --> 00:05:20,543 Vince, you're not getting out of this! 69 00:05:20,711 --> 00:05:24,881 - You're coming with us! - We're gonna have such a good time! 70 00:05:25,048 --> 00:05:29,344 (EXCITED CHATTERlNG) 71 00:05:29,512 --> 00:05:32,013 (VINCE) Be careful! Be careful! Be careful! 72 00:05:40,564 --> 00:05:42,774 Oh, you bastard! 73 00:05:45,152 --> 00:05:56,078 Bastard! 74 00:05:58,957 --> 00:06:00,1000 Bastard! Argh! 75 00:06:25,775 --> 00:06:30,862 (PUNK ROCK: THE HORRORS' "SHE lS THE NEW THING") 76 00:06:41,541 --> 00:06:44,000 77 00:06:44,168 --> 00:06:48,129 Hanging on a wall 78 00:06:48,297 --> 00:06:50,549 79 00:06:57,514 --> 00:07:00,058 80 00:07:00,226 --> 00:07:04,229 And I no longer care 81 00:07:04,396 --> 00:07:06,064 82 00:07:06,232 --> 00:07:10,068 83 00:07:10,236 --> 00:07:11,987 84 00:07:12,154 --> 00:07:14,239 85 00:07:20,162 --> 00:07:24,165 86 00:07:24,458 --> 00:07:26,209 87 00:07:26,377 --> 00:07:30,130 As I curse my slow limbs 88 00:07:30,297 --> 00:07:32,047 89 00:07:32,216 --> 00:07:34,300 90 00:07:34,468 --> 00:07:38,221 91 00:07:41,141 --> 00:07:42,683 Thanks. 92 00:07:42,851 --> 00:07:45,686 - Vince, you left this behind, mate. - (VINCE) Ta. 93 00:07:45,854 --> 00:07:48,689 - (MATT) I thought you'd given up. - (VINCE) l have. 94 00:07:48,857 --> 00:07:51,400 - Where's Banksy? - (ALL) Late. 95 00:07:51,568 --> 00:07:53,903 (PATRICK) He's always late for everything. 96 00:07:54,070 --> 00:07:56,155 He showed up on time for his wedding. 97 00:07:56,322 --> 00:07:58,866 (ALL LAUGH) 98 00:07:59,034 --> 00:08:00,660 Why's that funny? 99 00:08:00,827 --> 00:08:05,330 (NEIL) Well, he showed up, and, um... she didn't show up at all. 100 00:08:05,498 --> 00:08:07,958 (MIKEY) Lucky bastard! 101 00:08:08,126 --> 00:08:10,710 Here, l'll give him call. 102 00:08:22,432 --> 00:08:26,935 (DlSTANT MOBILE WITH "MATCH OF THE DAY" RlNGTONE) 103 00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:34,651 Oh, shit! 104 00:08:40,616 --> 00:08:43,201 (VOlCEMAlL) "..you're through to Banksy Electrical. 105 00:08:43,369 --> 00:08:46,830 Please leave your name and number after the tone, and I'll..." 106 00:08:47,247 --> 00:08:50,709 - (BEEP) - Banksy, you're wanker. 107 00:08:50,876 --> 00:08:52,586 (MIKEY) Hurry up! 108 00:08:52,753 --> 00:08:54,963 Liven yourself up, lazy-bollocks! 109 00:08:56,674 --> 00:08:59,217 Hey, Pat, what's with them golf clubs, man? 110 00:08:59,384 --> 00:09:02,178 There's no golf courses where we're going. 111 00:09:02,346 --> 00:09:05,807 That's why have this bag... my little friend. 112 00:09:05,975 --> 00:09:08,059 (PATRICK) You know there's more to life than football. 113 00:09:08,227 --> 00:09:11,813 - All you need is the open air... - (MIKEY) Me nuts, ow! 114 00:09:11,981 --> 00:09:15,691 I don't think your new-age golf therapy is gonna work on Vince, Pat. 115 00:09:15,860 --> 00:09:17,986 Vince is real man, Pat, not like you. 116 00:09:18,153 --> 00:09:20,821 You should've seen him in his glory days, Mikey. 117 00:09:20,990 --> 00:09:24,825 I mean, they used to call him Fearless. 118 00:09:24,994 --> 00:09:29,622 He would step out in front of a raging bull just to protect his mates, 119 00:09:29,789 --> 00:09:33,667 and still manage to buy the first round from his hospital bed. 120 00:09:33,835 --> 00:09:38,005 Yeah, that's only 'cause you guys picked up what was left in me wallet. 121 00:09:38,173 --> 00:09:40,966 - (GRAHAM) We helped you. - Go on, show Mikey. 122 00:09:41,134 --> 00:09:44,595 - (NEIL) Oh, yeah, look at this! - (MIKEY) Let's have a look. 123 00:09:45,889 --> 00:09:50,934 Pamplona Bull Run '96. He screamed like a girl the whole way around. 124 00:09:51,102 --> 00:09:53,186 (MIKEY) I wish I was there, man... 125 00:09:53,355 --> 00:09:54,647 Shit! 126 00:09:56,858 --> 00:09:59,610 (MIKEY) Sorry, mate, seriously. Let me just... 127 00:09:59,778 --> 00:10:02,154 (PATRICK) Anyway, where were we? 128 00:10:02,321 --> 00:10:06,491 (CHATTERING) 129 00:10:10,579 --> 00:10:13,248 (RHYTHMIC METALLIC SCRAPING) 130 00:10:19,088 --> 00:10:22,382 (SCRAPlNG GETS LOUDER) 131 00:10:22,550 --> 00:10:24,217 Snap out of it, Vince. 132 00:10:24,385 --> 00:10:28,013 Today you re-discover your inner bloke. You don't wanna miss it. 133 00:10:28,181 --> 00:10:30,265 Me inner bloke's all right, thanks. 134 00:10:30,433 --> 00:10:33,310 (NEIL) He's not, though, is he? He's lost his way. 135 00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:39,107 We all have. All suffering from social gender anxiety. 136 00:10:39,275 --> 00:10:41,318 Is that some sort of disease or something? 137 00:10:41,485 --> 00:10:43,445 Nobody knows, that's the problem. 138 00:10:43,612 --> 00:10:46,739 The second you try to figure it out...doomed. 139 00:10:48,116 --> 00:10:52,579 Not you, Vince. We're gonna bring you back from the brink. 140 00:10:55,082 --> 00:10:58,167 - Oi, no smoking! - Shut up. 141 00:10:59,628 --> 00:11:03,047 - You're outnumbered. - Ooh, I'm terrified (!) 142 00:11:03,215 --> 00:11:05,049 Slag. 143 00:11:05,217 --> 00:11:07,594 - Charmer... - (NEIL) Wha'? Wha'? 144 00:11:07,761 --> 00:11:11,513 - Now, listen to me, boys... - (MIKEY) I thought it was funny. 145 00:11:11,682 --> 00:11:13,390 This is the plan. 146 00:11:13,558 --> 00:11:18,312 First thing we do in the country, we piss up the trees, mark our territory. 147 00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:22,399 Then we're gonna find a pub and drink till we've forgotten how to speak. 148 00:11:22,567 --> 00:11:27,363 We'll communicate in grunts like cavemen, until we pass out in the woods. 149 00:11:27,530 --> 00:11:29,740 - Any questions? - (WOLF-WHISTLING) 150 00:11:29,908 --> 00:11:33,202 - Are you Michael? I'm the driver. - (LAD) Hey, she's the driver! 151 00:11:36,539 --> 00:11:38,874 Wanna see my driver's license? 152 00:11:39,917 --> 00:11:42,044 Uh... 153 00:11:43,213 --> 00:11:45,714 That's Mikey, the little squirt sitting there. 154 00:11:47,217 --> 00:11:50,469 I'm Neil. What's your name, babe? 155 00:11:50,637 --> 00:11:52,679 I can tell you now it's not "babe". 156 00:11:52,847 --> 00:11:55,932 - (LAUGHTER) - It's gonna be a long drive, isn't it? 157 00:11:56,100 --> 00:11:58,727 Looks like it's heading that way, don't it? 158 00:11:59,854 --> 00:12:02,481 I tell you what, let's start again. 159 00:12:02,649 --> 00:12:05,191 - My name's Neil. - My name's Ruth. 160 00:12:06,861 --> 00:12:09,362 From now on it's Candy. 161 00:12:09,531 --> 00:12:13,700 Ignore him, RUTH. He's a throwback. He hasn't evolved properly. 162 00:12:14,952 --> 00:12:16,995 Call me Candy. 163 00:12:17,705 --> 00:12:20,498 (ENGlNE FAILS TO START) 164 00:12:22,919 --> 00:12:24,795 (BANKSY) Come on! 165 00:12:24,962 --> 00:12:26,755 (ENGlNE STARTS) 166 00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:34,179 (NEIL) Wehey! Woo-hoo! 167 00:12:35,222 --> 00:12:37,974 - Right, boys, you ready? - (LADS) Yeah! 168 00:12:38,142 --> 00:12:41,852 Get on these two here, look. A couple of right wrong 'uns. 169 00:12:42,021 --> 00:12:45,273 - I'll tell you what, women love me. - (LADS LAUGH) 170 00:12:45,441 --> 00:12:48,984 (NElL) You got enough petrol, babe, and all that, yeah? 171 00:12:50,612 --> 00:12:53,781 - (MATT) Have you called Banksy again? - (NEIL) He'll show up. 172 00:12:53,949 --> 00:12:57,493 He's like Mikey's missus. You can't shake him off. 173 00:13:01,122 --> 00:13:03,165 (COUGHING) 174 00:13:05,251 --> 00:13:07,670 It looks nice, but it's a piece of shit. 175 00:13:07,838 --> 00:13:09,714 - What? - It's fucked. 176 00:13:09,881 --> 00:13:11,757 But I've only had it five minutes. 177 00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:16,554 Someone's run the knackers off it. You can't fix that with a nice paint job. 178 00:13:23,603 --> 00:13:26,355 You're the one who's getting divorced, ain't you? 179 00:13:26,522 --> 00:13:28,232 Thanks for bringing it up. 180 00:13:28,399 --> 00:13:31,276 There's worse things than getting divorced. 181 00:13:31,444 --> 00:13:34,404 Rape, murder, castration. 182 00:13:34,572 --> 00:13:37,032 Fair enough. 183 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:40,911 What's in a weird village like Moodley that you can't find in London? 184 00:13:41,079 --> 00:13:44,748 Mikey's nan lives there. We'll stay there while she's away. 185 00:13:44,915 --> 00:13:46,666 What do you mean weird? 186 00:13:46,834 --> 00:13:49,461 Well, it's just a dead-end in the middle of the woods. 187 00:13:49,629 --> 00:13:52,631 There's nothing there. 188 00:13:52,798 --> 00:13:55,217 When I saw the booking I thought it was a wind-up. 189 00:13:55,385 --> 00:13:58,178 Mikey says the women outnumber the men four to one. 190 00:13:58,346 --> 00:14:00,639 - (MIKEY) Yes, they do, Neil. - Oh... 191 00:14:00,806 --> 00:14:03,808 - And obviously they're all gagging for it. - Obviously. 192 00:14:03,976 --> 00:14:06,269 An entire village full of man-hungry women 193 00:14:06,437 --> 00:14:09,689 waiting to jump the first band of desperados rolling up from London. 194 00:14:09,857 --> 00:14:12,108 - Have you been there, then? - Uh-uh. 195 00:14:12,276 --> 00:14:15,028 My firm hasn't booked a job to Moodley in years. 196 00:14:15,988 --> 00:14:17,739 - Oh, sod off. - (LAUGHTER) 197 00:14:19,408 --> 00:14:22,952 (WOMAN ON iPOD) Don't fear. There's no cause for alarm. 198 00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:25,413 All is well. 199 00:14:25,580 --> 00:14:28,499 Death is a natural part of life. 200 00:14:28,668 --> 00:14:32,670 Anxiety about this is an inbuilt survival reflex, 201 00:14:32,838 --> 00:14:39,010 no longer required in this beautiful predator-free world. 202 00:14:52,149 --> 00:14:54,483 Welcome to the country. 203 00:15:04,202 --> 00:15:06,412 I'll do it, then, shall I? 204 00:15:09,916 --> 00:15:11,375 (NEIL) Yeah, well done. 205 00:15:17,215 --> 00:15:20,217 What's your nana up to this weekend, Mikey? 206 00:15:20,384 --> 00:15:22,886 She's off on a cruise while the builders are in. 207 00:15:23,054 --> 00:15:25,097 What builders? 208 00:15:25,264 --> 00:15:28,308 Oh, they'll be gone by the time we come out of the pub. 209 00:15:28,476 --> 00:15:31,478 What about when they're back at dawn and start drilling holes? 210 00:15:31,646 --> 00:15:34,564 - She doesn't know we're coming. - Well...l did say... 211 00:15:34,733 --> 00:15:39,236 - You fuckin' idiot. - Listen, man, I know where the key is! 212 00:15:39,403 --> 00:15:41,654 Jesus! This gets better and better. 213 00:15:41,823 --> 00:15:45,200 I might just stay on the minibus and wait for the return trip. 214 00:15:45,368 --> 00:15:49,997 Gentlemen, you are all past the point of no return. 215 00:15:50,748 --> 00:15:53,125 (MOBILE WITH "MATCH OF THE DAY" RlNGTONE) 216 00:15:53,292 --> 00:15:55,627 Oh, for fuck's sake, Mikey. 217 00:15:55,794 --> 00:15:57,670 It's not me. lt's not me! 218 00:16:00,549 --> 00:16:02,925 Hello? Yeah... 219 00:16:03,093 --> 00:16:05,553 I told you I'd sign the papers. 220 00:16:05,721 --> 00:16:07,889 Solicitors always say that. 221 00:16:08,056 --> 00:16:10,725 I can't do nothing today. I'm not in London. 222 00:16:12,185 --> 00:16:14,729 Moodley... Moodley! 223 00:16:14,897 --> 00:16:17,189 What do you mean it's a shit hole? 224 00:16:19,610 --> 00:16:21,569 Hello? Hello? 225 00:16:23,321 --> 00:16:25,823 (MOBILE WITH "MATCH OF THE DAY" RlNGTONE) 226 00:16:26,950 --> 00:16:29,493 - (lNDlSTlNCT SHOUTlNG) - Not my PS... 227 00:16:29,662 --> 00:16:33,539 That's it. Give us that fucking thing. I've had enough of this! 228 00:16:33,832 --> 00:16:37,668 - I'm not having this. - (GRAHAM) What are you gonna do? 229 00:16:37,836 --> 00:16:42,048 - All the phones, off, in this bag. - What?! 230 00:16:42,215 --> 00:16:44,967 - OK? All of you. Come on! - (LADS) No, no, no, no. 231 00:16:45,135 --> 00:16:48,804 Getting away from it all doesn't include spousal abuse by T-Mobile. 232 00:16:48,972 --> 00:16:52,099 - (GRAHAM) See you, darling. - (MATT) I need to ring my mum. 233 00:16:52,267 --> 00:16:55,686 - You've got mine already. - In the bag, sunshine. 234 00:17:00,233 --> 00:17:02,943 - Ladies first. - After you, then. 235 00:17:03,528 --> 00:17:05,529 All right. 236 00:17:36,393 --> 00:17:38,645 (MATT) Mikey?! Is this it? 237 00:17:38,813 --> 00:17:42,983 - Please tell me you took a wrong turn. - Told you the place was a dead end. 238 00:17:43,150 --> 00:17:45,819 (VINCE) Is that it? Is this...? 239 00:17:45,987 --> 00:17:47,863 (MATT) Mikey! 240 00:17:56,788 --> 00:17:59,165 We're in the middle of fuckin' nowhere. 241 00:17:59,333 --> 00:18:03,628 I'd leave all that, Mikey, till we've done a bit of reconnaissance. 242 00:18:03,879 --> 00:18:08,674 - We might not be staying. - What do you mean not staying? 243 00:18:08,842 --> 00:18:12,052 I'm off the clock for half an hour, then I'm leaving... 244 00:18:12,221 --> 00:18:14,305 ..with or without you. 245 00:18:17,559 --> 00:18:19,435 Fiddlesticks! 246 00:18:29,279 --> 00:18:31,196 (MIKEY) On your head! 247 00:18:32,866 --> 00:18:35,868 - (NEIL) What the fuck are you doing? - (MATT) You idiot! 248 00:18:45,295 --> 00:18:49,089 I'm sure this place used to be bigger when l was, err...little. 249 00:18:51,634 --> 00:18:54,845 Looks like the whole village has fucked off with your nan. 250 00:18:55,013 --> 00:18:57,097 Where's all the women, then? 251 00:18:57,265 --> 00:18:59,599 When were you last here, Mikey? 252 00:18:59,767 --> 00:19:04,646 - Well, it's been a few years. - Right, come on. First things first. 253 00:19:04,814 --> 00:19:09,526 Mikey, you break into your nan's house and make sure l've got a bed for tonight. 254 00:19:09,694 --> 00:19:12,904 The rest of us can get the beers in at the...Cock and Bull, 255 00:19:13,072 --> 00:19:15,782 and drink until Moodley starts looking like Barbados. 256 00:19:15,950 --> 00:19:18,034 And someone go get Candy down for a drink. 257 00:19:18,203 --> 00:19:19,953 (BOTH) l'll go. 258 00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:23,915 Neil, if she sees you, she's liable to drive away with our stuff. 259 00:19:24,083 --> 00:19:27,544 What are you talking about? Women love me. 260 00:19:27,712 --> 00:19:29,128 - (LAUGHTER) - Really (?) 261 00:19:29,296 --> 00:19:32,674 You are a long way from your sports car, though, aren't you? 262 00:19:34,594 --> 00:19:36,845 (CROWS CAWING) 263 00:19:41,391 --> 00:19:44,352 I'm gonna go for a slash. Get us a pint of the usual. 264 00:19:44,519 --> 00:19:47,355 Oh, no, put your money away, Neil. My shout (!) 265 00:19:47,690 --> 00:19:49,648 (MUTTERS) Knob. 266 00:19:56,323 --> 00:19:58,366 Wow... 267 00:20:17,844 --> 00:20:19,928 (READS) "Vote Meg Nut". 268 00:20:20,096 --> 00:20:22,973 (CHUCKLES) Meg Nut... Nut-meg... 269 00:20:24,017 --> 00:20:26,143 (READS) "Sponsored by Wundawash." 270 00:20:36,821 --> 00:20:38,280 Ew! 271 00:20:44,537 --> 00:20:46,622 (WHISTLES) 272 00:20:54,756 --> 00:20:56,799 Oh, shit. 273 00:21:02,847 --> 00:21:04,932 (RETCHlNG) 274 00:21:05,099 --> 00:21:07,642 (COUGHING) 275 00:21:10,938 --> 00:21:12,522 Ew! 276 00:21:16,110 --> 00:21:19,154 (Come on, come on. Please, please, please.) 277 00:21:23,742 --> 00:21:26,118 Yes! Yes, yes, yes. 278 00:21:27,162 --> 00:21:29,289 Oh, thank you, gnomie. 279 00:21:36,046 --> 00:21:38,297 (TAPS THE BAR) 280 00:21:38,466 --> 00:21:39,966 Hello? 281 00:21:40,133 --> 00:21:43,469 I can't believe we jumped on one of Mikey's schemes. 282 00:21:43,637 --> 00:21:47,557 - His heart's in the right place. - Shame his head is up his arse. 283 00:21:47,725 --> 00:21:50,852 Come on, Pat. Liven yourself up. Get 'em in. 284 00:21:51,019 --> 00:21:53,479 Neil, Do you see any bar staff? 285 00:21:53,647 --> 00:21:56,440 I think I just saw one in the khazi, chucking up. 286 00:21:56,608 --> 00:22:01,362 - Maybe they're all sick. - What the fuck is that horrible stench? 287 00:22:01,529 --> 00:22:04,740 It's the smoking ban, mate. Get rid of the all the puffers, 288 00:22:04,908 --> 00:22:08,744 you'll find out what a pub really smells like - stale beer and piss. 289 00:22:08,912 --> 00:22:11,455 (PATRICK) No. It's something else. 290 00:22:14,334 --> 00:22:16,002 Where the fuck's Matt? 291 00:22:30,182 --> 00:22:32,058 (SCREAMS) 292 00:22:32,226 --> 00:22:34,603 All right, calm down. You sound like a dolphin. 293 00:22:34,771 --> 00:22:36,563 Idiot. 294 00:22:36,731 --> 00:22:39,400 Look at that. 295 00:22:40,109 --> 00:22:42,653 It's a knob in a box. 296 00:22:59,045 --> 00:23:00,921 This is a joke, right? 297 00:23:01,088 --> 00:23:03,673 (ROARS) 298 00:23:07,261 --> 00:23:09,137 (MIKEY) Don't... 299 00:23:10,306 --> 00:23:12,598 Hey, back up. Back up. 300 00:23:12,766 --> 00:23:14,059 I will... 301 00:23:18,564 --> 00:23:21,941 Looks like there is life on Mars, after all. 302 00:23:25,779 --> 00:23:28,781 - What's the matter with her? - I think she's homeless. 303 00:23:28,949 --> 00:23:33,578 (NEIL) 300 miles from London, the only person we see is selling the Big lssue. 304 00:23:33,745 --> 00:23:37,832 - (MATT) Let's get some change. - (PAT) l've got some, I've got some. 305 00:23:38,959 --> 00:23:40,543 (MATT) Ooh! 306 00:23:40,711 --> 00:23:43,003 Hey! Hey! 307 00:23:52,013 --> 00:23:53,806 Go Vince! 308 00:23:57,352 --> 00:23:59,729 - It's not what it looks like, mate! - Yeah? 309 00:24:00,897 --> 00:24:03,148 (VINCE) Matt, call the police! 310 00:24:07,195 --> 00:24:08,695 Go, Graham. Hit him! 311 00:24:15,411 --> 00:24:17,704 (MATT) Go on! Somebody else hit him! 312 00:24:21,167 --> 00:24:23,627 Put the knife down, mate. 313 00:24:23,794 --> 00:24:26,338 Put the knife down! 314 00:24:30,551 --> 00:24:32,844 You lot, just listen to me! 315 00:24:38,601 --> 00:24:40,560 - Hey, watch! - She stabbed me! 316 00:24:40,728 --> 00:24:42,562 All right, hey, hey! 317 00:24:43,523 --> 00:24:45,649 - Oi! Oi! - What are you doing?! 318 00:24:45,816 --> 00:24:47,526 (SHE SNARLS) 319 00:24:47,693 --> 00:24:49,819 - Can we talk about this? - Hang on, hang on. 320 00:24:53,073 --> 00:24:54,574 (GRAHAM) Jesus... 321 00:24:59,747 --> 00:25:01,790 (ALL GASP) 322 00:25:02,625 --> 00:25:05,794 - What... What's wrong with her? - What do you mean? 323 00:25:05,961 --> 00:25:10,006 She's like Evil Dead in your shop, those things with the claws and teeth! 324 00:25:11,550 --> 00:25:15,178 - And she's not the only one. - (SHRIEKS) 325 00:25:19,016 --> 00:25:21,642 (MIKEY) Look! Look at that. Look, look. 326 00:25:21,810 --> 00:25:23,561 (GROWLS) 327 00:25:25,897 --> 00:25:27,773 (RAGGED BREATHlNG) 328 00:25:27,941 --> 00:25:30,484 - Back on the bus, then, eh? - Yes, yes! 329 00:25:31,528 --> 00:25:34,029 - What about Action Man? - Oh, shit. 330 00:25:34,198 --> 00:25:36,449 (NEIL) Come on! Leave him! 331 00:25:44,874 --> 00:25:48,001 Candy, start her up, baby. We're leaving. 332 00:25:49,379 --> 00:25:51,380 (GASPS) 333 00:25:53,174 --> 00:25:55,843 - (VIOLENT RETCHING) - Let's go somewhere else, then. 334 00:25:56,010 --> 00:25:57,511 (GROWLS) 335 00:25:57,679 --> 00:25:59,346 Yeah, OK. 336 00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:02,474 Where's your nan's house, Mike? 337 00:26:04,477 --> 00:26:07,354 - Mike, your nan's house! - (GROWLS) 338 00:26:11,359 --> 00:26:12,818 (MIKEY) OK, uh... 339 00:26:16,114 --> 00:26:18,656 Let's take the scenic route. 340 00:26:18,825 --> 00:26:20,826 (HlSSES) 341 00:26:35,007 --> 00:26:36,508 (CREAKlNG) 342 00:26:43,516 --> 00:26:45,850 Mikey... Get his gun. 343 00:26:50,063 --> 00:26:52,148 YOU get it. 344 00:27:08,874 --> 00:27:11,375 (COUGHING) It's empty. 345 00:27:11,543 --> 00:27:13,252 Oh, mate... 346 00:27:13,420 --> 00:27:15,379 That is not cool... 347 00:27:15,547 --> 00:27:17,799 Look at the state of him. 348 00:27:17,966 --> 00:27:19,383 (COUGHS) 349 00:27:22,805 --> 00:27:25,264 - (Don't go in the woods.) - What? 350 00:27:26,849 --> 00:27:28,850 He said, "Don't go in the woods." 351 00:27:29,019 --> 00:27:31,145 - Why? - Why you asking me? 352 00:27:31,313 --> 00:27:33,939 (LAUGHS) 353 00:27:36,234 --> 00:27:38,527 What's in the woods? 354 00:27:38,695 --> 00:27:41,280 Everything...you've ever been afraid of. 355 00:27:42,990 --> 00:27:45,367 (FRENZlED SCREAMING) 356 00:27:49,121 --> 00:27:50,789 Oh, shit! Oh, shit! 357 00:27:53,876 --> 00:27:56,044 Quick, quick, Graham! 358 00:27:56,212 --> 00:27:59,297 - Open the fucking door! - I'm gonna do it when l get the key! 359 00:27:59,466 --> 00:28:02,300 These are multi-combat trousers! They've got 1 1 pockets! 360 00:28:02,469 --> 00:28:05,345 (GROWLING) 361 00:28:05,513 --> 00:28:07,180 (SHRIEKlNG) 362 00:28:09,642 --> 00:28:11,893 You missed her! 363 00:28:14,105 --> 00:28:15,647 Open the fucking door! 364 00:28:19,193 --> 00:28:21,277 (GROWLS) 365 00:28:24,740 --> 00:28:26,241 - Vince! - What? 366 00:28:26,408 --> 00:28:27,658 Help me! 367 00:28:27,827 --> 00:28:29,827 (SHE WAILS) 368 00:28:31,914 --> 00:28:33,999 - I've got the key! - OPEN lT, THEN! 369 00:28:42,007 --> 00:28:44,175 Shut the back door! 370 00:28:44,343 --> 00:28:46,969 (RAGGED BREATHlNG) 371 00:28:47,138 --> 00:28:48,721 (GROWLING) 372 00:28:52,476 --> 00:28:53,934 (GRAHAM) Oi, oi! 373 00:28:54,144 --> 00:28:56,145 They're moving away! 374 00:28:58,690 --> 00:29:01,275 (ALL PANT) 375 00:29:01,443 --> 00:29:06,489 All right, you funny cunts, how's this supposed to cheer me up? 376 00:29:19,627 --> 00:29:22,880 - Phones are dead. - "Let's put all the mobiles in a bag." 377 00:29:23,048 --> 00:29:26,175 - Good idea, Neil! - You wanna talk about this some more? 378 00:29:26,342 --> 00:29:30,095 Let's talk about the unliveable state of this house we're staying in. 379 00:29:30,263 --> 00:29:32,806 OK, back door's locked, kettle is on. 380 00:29:32,974 --> 00:29:34,516 Neil. 381 00:29:39,189 --> 00:29:43,192 - (VINCE) They're not coming back. - (GRAHAM) So what's going on here? 382 00:29:44,235 --> 00:29:47,362 It could be some kind of chemical spillage. 383 00:29:47,530 --> 00:29:50,073 Maybe one of the streams has been polluted. 384 00:29:50,241 --> 00:29:52,367 Patrick, when was the last time 385 00:29:52,535 --> 00:29:57,038 you saw pollution turn somebody into an axe murderer? 386 00:29:58,082 --> 00:30:01,793 Candy didn't even get off the bus and she still turned into that. 387 00:30:03,045 --> 00:30:06,715 - So it must be in the air. - Why haven't we got it? And him? 388 00:30:06,882 --> 00:30:10,927 - Maybe only women get it. - What kind of virus only affects women? 389 00:30:12,513 --> 00:30:15,389 - Bird flu. - (ALL LAUGH) 390 00:30:17,476 --> 00:30:19,603 So where did all the men go? 391 00:30:19,770 --> 00:30:21,312 - (TAPPlNG) - Shh! 392 00:30:23,065 --> 00:30:24,523 Shh, shh, shh... 393 00:30:24,692 --> 00:30:26,275 No, no, no, no! 394 00:30:28,904 --> 00:30:30,696 (MIKEY WHISPERING) What is it? 395 00:30:34,743 --> 00:30:36,744 (CAWlNG) 396 00:30:36,912 --> 00:30:38,371 (ALL SCREAM) 397 00:30:38,538 --> 00:30:41,165 (SOLDIER) Are you fucking retarded? 398 00:30:41,333 --> 00:30:43,584 All the men are dead. 399 00:30:43,752 --> 00:30:47,505 - Sit down, Andy McNabb. - Easy, mate. l'm not the enemy. 400 00:30:47,672 --> 00:30:50,174 - Really? See, l think you are. - Right... 401 00:30:50,342 --> 00:30:53,844 We demand an explanation! 402 00:30:54,012 --> 00:30:56,555 Is it a biological weapon gone out of control? 403 00:30:56,723 --> 00:30:58,474 It's classified is what it is. 404 00:30:58,642 --> 00:31:01,477 It's hardly classified, mate, it's running about in stilettos! 405 00:31:01,645 --> 00:31:04,938 - I said sit down. - Or what? Or what? 406 00:31:05,106 --> 00:31:07,190 (GROANlNG) 407 00:31:07,359 --> 00:31:09,527 (PATRICK SHOUTING) Oi! Oi! Oi! 408 00:31:11,946 --> 00:31:13,864 Kettle's boiled. 409 00:31:22,749 --> 00:31:25,375 - What's your name? - Sergeant Gavin Wright. 410 00:31:25,543 --> 00:31:29,171 We don't give fuck about your rank. We want an explanation. 411 00:31:29,338 --> 00:31:31,924 - It's virus. - Why aren't we infected? 412 00:31:32,091 --> 00:31:35,135 I thought you'd worked this one out. Only women get it. 413 00:31:35,303 --> 00:31:37,888 - Why? - Just luck. 414 00:31:38,056 --> 00:31:40,515 Oh, that's not funny. ls there a cure? 415 00:31:40,683 --> 00:31:43,435 I don't think anybody survived long enough to try. 416 00:31:43,602 --> 00:31:46,521 But that's not my department. I'm just here to shoot them. 417 00:31:48,232 --> 00:31:50,108 - What...? - How did it start? 418 00:31:50,276 --> 00:31:52,569 The only questions you need to ask are, 419 00:31:52,736 --> 00:31:55,447 "How many are there?" and, "Are they in our way?" 420 00:31:55,614 --> 00:31:57,282 So, how many are there? 421 00:31:57,450 --> 00:31:59,826 The whole village has gone over to the dark side. 422 00:31:59,993 --> 00:32:02,412 Most of them are out in the woods. 423 00:32:02,580 --> 00:32:05,832 So if you're thinking of hiking out of here, think again. 424 00:32:05,999 --> 00:32:08,501 What the fuck are they doing in the woods? 425 00:32:08,669 --> 00:32:13,047 Maybe they're all taking a shit. Women like to go to the toilet together. 426 00:32:13,215 --> 00:32:16,968 What do you think they're doing? They're looking for fresh meat. 427 00:32:18,011 --> 00:32:20,429 - So what's your exit plan? - Same as yours. 428 00:32:20,598 --> 00:32:23,933 Get on the minibus and fuck off out the way you came in. 429 00:32:24,101 --> 00:32:26,894 Well, there's little problem with your plan, Marvin. 430 00:32:27,062 --> 00:32:31,941 Bad Candy lives on that bus. And she's got a little skin complaint. 431 00:32:45,998 --> 00:32:50,751 When she gets off the bus, start running and don't stop until you hear the horn. 432 00:32:50,918 --> 00:32:52,878 We'll come back and pick you up. 433 00:32:53,046 --> 00:32:55,839 Why are you so sure she's gonna follow me? 434 00:32:56,007 --> 00:32:58,008 (ALL) Women love you. 435 00:32:59,552 --> 00:33:03,680 If you have to kill her, just do it. She's not Candy anymore. 436 00:33:04,974 --> 00:33:07,768 She never was. Her name's Ruth. 437 00:33:07,935 --> 00:33:10,228 - Whatever. - Well, stop calling her Candy. 438 00:33:10,397 --> 00:33:13,399 Neil, now is not the time to stop objectifying women. 439 00:33:13,566 --> 00:33:15,316 Be new man tomorrow. 440 00:33:15,485 --> 00:33:20,531 Today, we need you to be the misogynist Neanderthal arsehole we know and love. 441 00:33:20,698 --> 00:33:24,284 - You could get this virus next... - Fuck off. 442 00:33:24,451 --> 00:33:26,494 You even hit like a girl. 443 00:33:27,329 --> 00:33:29,247 - What are you doing? - Fucking go. 444 00:33:29,415 --> 00:33:31,541 - Liberty-taker. - Hurry up! 445 00:33:31,709 --> 00:33:33,669 All right, l'm going. 446 00:33:48,642 --> 00:33:51,227 Come on... Come and have a nibble. 447 00:33:51,395 --> 00:33:53,939 - (SNARLS) - You know you want it. 448 00:33:55,441 --> 00:33:57,525 - Bollocks. - (SHE HISSES) 449 00:33:57,693 --> 00:33:59,402 (SHE GROWLS) 450 00:34:04,783 --> 00:34:06,909 (GROWLING) 451 00:34:10,497 --> 00:34:12,081 Get off the... 452 00:34:12,249 --> 00:34:15,460 - Go! Go! - Quick, hurry up! 453 00:34:22,175 --> 00:34:24,802 (FRENZlED SHOUTlNG) 454 00:34:26,096 --> 00:34:28,097 (VINCE) Get the phones! 455 00:34:28,264 --> 00:34:29,724 Someone get the phones! 456 00:34:31,101 --> 00:34:33,686 (SHE GROWLS) 457 00:34:38,358 --> 00:34:39,900 Bastards! 458 00:34:55,666 --> 00:34:57,960 Aaargh! Fuckin' hell! 459 00:35:11,140 --> 00:35:13,267 (GARGLlNG) 460 00:35:17,897 --> 00:35:21,775 (DENTlST'S DRILL) 461 00:35:27,281 --> 00:35:30,659 Oh, man. We are dog meat. 462 00:35:32,286 --> 00:35:34,954 (MATT) They're everywhere! 463 00:35:35,122 --> 00:35:37,123 - Shit... - Oh, man! 464 00:35:40,002 --> 00:35:41,502 Julie? 465 00:35:41,671 --> 00:35:43,212 Do you know her? 466 00:35:43,380 --> 00:35:44,798 (SHE GARGLES) 467 00:35:46,216 --> 00:35:49,093 Yeah, yeah... We had thing once, it didn't end well. 468 00:35:49,261 --> 00:35:51,137 (SHE RETCHES) 469 00:35:51,305 --> 00:35:54,057 - I'm gonna be sick. - How do you think l feel?! 470 00:35:54,224 --> 00:35:56,392 (SHE GROWLS) 471 00:35:58,062 --> 00:36:01,439 (TO HIMSELF) The phones... I've got the fucking phones! 472 00:36:01,606 --> 00:36:03,232 Shit... 473 00:36:04,568 --> 00:36:08,446 - Do something! You're the soldier! - Look at the fucking size of her! 474 00:36:10,365 --> 00:36:12,116 Oh, no... 475 00:36:14,453 --> 00:36:16,162 Get her off me! 476 00:36:21,293 --> 00:36:23,419 Look out, Vince. Look out! 477 00:36:28,508 --> 00:36:30,217 (VINCE) Fuck! Come on! 478 00:36:43,397 --> 00:36:44,857 (BOTH) Yeah! 479 00:36:45,942 --> 00:36:47,818 (DENTlST'S DRILL) 480 00:36:54,742 --> 00:36:56,451 Oh, look at your teeth! 481 00:37:00,039 --> 00:37:02,040 Fuckin' hell! Patrick! 482 00:37:08,714 --> 00:37:10,132 Ooh... Ow! 483 00:37:19,057 --> 00:37:22,269 - We should start placing bets. - My money's on that one. 484 00:37:24,563 --> 00:37:26,439 Let's go! 485 00:37:30,318 --> 00:37:32,194 (VINCE) Everyone stay together! 486 00:37:32,821 --> 00:37:34,947 Here, here! Quick, come on. 487 00:37:39,912 --> 00:37:43,581 (SCREAMING) 488 00:37:58,721 --> 00:38:00,556 Ow! 489 00:38:01,474 --> 00:38:03,267 (HE GROANS) 490 00:38:07,230 --> 00:38:09,231 Fuckin' hell. 491 00:38:14,154 --> 00:38:17,323 Argh! Argh! Argh! 492 00:38:27,834 --> 00:38:29,585 (WHISTLE) 493 00:38:29,752 --> 00:38:33,213 ("MATCH OF THE DAY" MUSIC THEME) 494 00:38:35,049 --> 00:38:36,758 (DlSTANT CHEERING) 495 00:38:40,262 --> 00:38:42,806 ("MATCH OF THE DAY" TUNE CONTlNUES) 496 00:38:42,974 --> 00:38:45,058 (MUSIC STOPS) 497 00:38:46,435 --> 00:38:50,856 She'll be through that freakin' window in a minute. Grab anything you can. 498 00:38:51,023 --> 00:38:52,691 (TAPPlNG) 499 00:38:54,694 --> 00:38:56,277 (Vince...) 500 00:38:56,445 --> 00:38:58,321 - Vince! - What? 501 00:39:00,950 --> 00:39:03,576 Still in its original packaging! 502 00:39:05,872 --> 00:39:08,915 Weapons, Matt. Grab any weapons you can. 503 00:39:09,083 --> 00:39:11,501 Not fuckin' robots. 504 00:39:11,668 --> 00:39:13,794 All right...I'm looking. 505 00:39:14,005 --> 00:39:16,089 (DOOR OPENS) 506 00:39:19,676 --> 00:39:21,719 Did you lock that? 507 00:39:26,517 --> 00:39:27,975 Matt! Matt! 508 00:39:28,143 --> 00:39:29,894 Where are you going? Matt! 509 00:39:31,772 --> 00:39:33,856 I'm coming! 510 00:39:35,150 --> 00:39:37,109 Weapons... Weapons... 511 00:39:39,154 --> 00:39:41,238 Matt! Matt! 512 00:39:41,407 --> 00:39:44,324 - What are you doing? - Give us a lighter! 513 00:39:44,493 --> 00:39:46,744 In me pocket... THE OTHER POCKET! 514 00:39:49,831 --> 00:39:52,541 (SHE SHRlEKS) 515 00:39:55,671 --> 00:39:59,089 Get back. lf they can't see us, they'll forget we're in here. 516 00:39:59,257 --> 00:40:02,051 - That's optimistic, innit? - They are easily confused. 517 00:40:05,889 --> 00:40:08,557 (SCREAMS IN HORROR) 518 00:40:18,901 --> 00:40:22,654 NOW you decide to shoot someone, you fucking monkey's arse-ring. 519 00:40:22,822 --> 00:40:24,406 You had a gun all along? 520 00:40:24,574 --> 00:40:26,366 (GUN CLICKS) 521 00:40:26,534 --> 00:40:29,786 I was saving the last bullet for when l needed it. 522 00:40:29,954 --> 00:40:31,746 You're still a twat. 523 00:40:32,748 --> 00:40:35,083 (GROWLING) 524 00:40:36,544 --> 00:40:39,463 Fuck, l think you've just sent out a party invite. 525 00:40:41,841 --> 00:40:44,342 Do they sell petrol in toy shops? 526 00:40:44,510 --> 00:40:45,969 No. 527 00:40:46,136 --> 00:40:49,222 It's Nitro Fluid for radio-controlled cars. 528 00:40:51,433 --> 00:40:53,392 Don't you know anything?! 529 00:40:53,561 --> 00:40:58,272 I know we need to be tooled up with something that wasn't made in Taiwan. 530 00:41:23,423 --> 00:41:25,966 Who taught you to drive? Let me have a go. 531 00:41:28,052 --> 00:41:29,470 Get off! 532 00:41:35,977 --> 00:41:37,770 Reverse. Reverse. Over here! 533 00:41:49,908 --> 00:41:52,868 (VINCE THROUGH WALKlE-TALKIE) Hello? Are we in there? 534 00:41:53,036 --> 00:41:56,454 - I take it you're in a toy shop. - Who's there? ls Neil there? 535 00:41:56,623 --> 00:41:58,874 No, just me, Mikey and the Milky Bar Kid. 536 00:41:59,042 --> 00:42:00,918 - My name's Gavin. - Whatever. 537 00:42:01,085 --> 00:42:04,129 The speed Neil was running, he's probably halfway home. 538 00:42:04,297 --> 00:42:08,967 (POP MUSlC: SPACE'S "FEMALE OF THE SPECIES") 539 00:42:12,305 --> 00:42:14,389 (SOBS) 540 00:42:20,229 --> 00:42:21,896 (WOMAN) Mmm... 541 00:42:22,065 --> 00:42:23,941 (SHE MOANS) 542 00:42:24,108 --> 00:42:28,486 543 00:42:28,654 --> 00:42:31,364 544 00:42:31,532 --> 00:42:33,408 You're so sexy, do you know that? 545 00:42:33,576 --> 00:42:37,036 is more deadly... 546 00:42:37,205 --> 00:42:40,832 Why don't we forget about all this? This finger food. 547 00:42:42,460 --> 00:42:44,544 That's a really lovely spread. 548 00:42:44,712 --> 00:42:47,839 But why don't we just take this upstairs, eh? 549 00:42:48,006 --> 00:42:50,299 (SHE LAUGHS) 550 00:42:51,594 --> 00:42:53,636 We're both adults. 551 00:42:55,013 --> 00:42:56,889 I'm a man... 552 00:42:59,101 --> 00:43:01,603 You're a... (HE RETCHES) 553 00:43:04,522 --> 00:43:06,398 You're a woman. 554 00:43:08,652 --> 00:43:12,029 This could be the start of something special - you and me... 555 00:43:13,073 --> 00:43:15,491 All you've gotta do... 556 00:43:16,534 --> 00:43:18,995 ..is...untie me, yeah? 557 00:43:19,162 --> 00:43:21,247 (CACKLES) 558 00:43:23,666 --> 00:43:26,127 Just untie me, please. 559 00:43:28,630 --> 00:43:30,797 (ROARS) 560 00:43:33,635 --> 00:43:35,719 (GROWLS) 561 00:43:43,978 --> 00:43:46,021 Come on, then. Come on! 562 00:43:46,188 --> 00:43:48,064 (ROARS) 563 00:43:49,108 --> 00:43:52,193 - (ELECTRlC KNlFE WHIRS) - No, no, don't do that. No. 564 00:43:52,362 --> 00:43:55,071 (EVIL LAUGHTER) 565 00:44:02,789 --> 00:44:06,958 (WOMAN ON iPOD) Fear and panic are only chemicals within your body. 566 00:44:07,126 --> 00:44:11,087 Anxiety is nothing more than a chemical reaction. 567 00:44:11,255 --> 00:44:14,174 So, what's the plan? 568 00:44:15,176 --> 00:44:17,510 What do you mean what's the plan? 569 00:44:17,678 --> 00:44:19,930 The plan. What's the plan? 570 00:44:20,097 --> 00:44:23,016 - I haven't got one. What's yours? - I've got a plan. 571 00:44:23,184 --> 00:44:26,269 What's all this bollocks with the walkie-talkies, then? 572 00:44:26,437 --> 00:44:29,940 Just fancied a chat about something other than Star Wars. 573 00:44:30,107 --> 00:44:32,317 Oh... How is Matt? 574 00:44:36,863 --> 00:44:39,074 Yeah, the force is with him. 575 00:44:39,241 --> 00:44:42,702 (DRAMATlC ACTION MOVIE MUSIC) 576 00:44:46,915 --> 00:44:48,958 - Oi! - What? 577 00:44:49,125 --> 00:44:50,710 I said I've got a plan. 578 00:44:52,379 --> 00:44:53,754 Go on, then. 579 00:44:53,922 --> 00:44:56,507 You're the double hard bastard. You do it. 580 00:44:56,675 --> 00:44:58,634 It's your plan, arsehole. 581 00:44:58,802 --> 00:45:00,928 You two are so gay! 582 00:45:07,435 --> 00:45:09,478 (MIKEY) Your mum's an arsehole. 583 00:45:14,735 --> 00:45:17,069 (WHISPERS) The payload has been delivered. 584 00:45:17,237 --> 00:45:18,779 (VINCE) What? 585 00:45:18,947 --> 00:45:21,198 The head's in the truck, man. You ready? 586 00:45:30,666 --> 00:45:33,793 We're gonna need a diversion for our diversion. 587 00:45:33,962 --> 00:45:35,337 I'm on it. 588 00:45:46,724 --> 00:45:49,268 Come and get your meals on wheels. 589 00:46:34,939 --> 00:46:36,605 (BOTH) No! 590 00:46:38,233 --> 00:46:39,733 (BOTH CHEER) 591 00:46:52,331 --> 00:46:53,789 Fuck off! 592 00:46:55,750 --> 00:46:58,252 - Do the horn. - (HORN TOOTS) 593 00:47:00,755 --> 00:47:03,591 You're not getting the better of me. 594 00:47:04,968 --> 00:47:07,761 (GROANS) 595 00:47:09,514 --> 00:47:11,599 Turn it, you're gonna go out of range! 596 00:47:11,766 --> 00:47:14,101 I'm turning it. l'm turning it! 597 00:47:14,268 --> 00:47:16,478 Get off! 598 00:47:19,148 --> 00:47:20,941 Oh, f... No! 599 00:47:28,324 --> 00:47:30,868 - Oh, that's disgusting. - Fuckin' hell. 600 00:47:35,915 --> 00:47:38,083 - Fucking thing! - (CAR ALARM GOES OFF) 601 00:47:44,548 --> 00:47:47,550 - How could things get any worse? - (VlNCE) Mikey? 602 00:47:48,719 --> 00:47:51,763 - Yeah? - Mikey, they've spotted you. 603 00:47:51,930 --> 00:47:56,017 (CAR ALARM STOPS) 604 00:47:59,980 --> 00:48:01,523 Great. 605 00:48:09,281 --> 00:48:12,534 (SHE GIGGLES) 606 00:48:15,913 --> 00:48:19,165 (SHE MOANS) 607 00:48:19,332 --> 00:48:21,250 Mm... Yum... 608 00:48:23,086 --> 00:48:25,421 Yum! 609 00:48:26,924 --> 00:48:28,883 (RETCHES) 610 00:48:33,972 --> 00:48:35,973 (GASPS) 611 00:48:59,456 --> 00:49:02,082 (VINCE THROUGH WALKlE-TALKIE) Mikey? 612 00:49:02,250 --> 00:49:04,125 - Mikey? - (ROARS) 613 00:49:04,294 --> 00:49:06,127 Mikey! 614 00:49:06,296 --> 00:49:07,713 Fuck. 615 00:49:07,880 --> 00:49:10,507 - Come on. Let's go. - No, wait. Wait. 616 00:49:10,675 --> 00:49:13,677 I am not going out there half-cocked. 617 00:49:15,888 --> 00:49:18,098 Let's party. 618 00:49:19,517 --> 00:49:21,518 Where's mine? 619 00:49:22,228 --> 00:49:24,520 Well, there's only one. 620 00:49:26,065 --> 00:49:28,233 No, look, got a spare. 621 00:49:32,321 --> 00:49:33,780 No? 622 00:49:34,615 --> 00:49:36,867 All right, you can have my backup. 623 00:49:38,660 --> 00:49:40,245 What's this? 624 00:49:41,788 --> 00:49:44,040 I will make you feel sexy. 625 00:49:45,084 --> 00:49:46,584 Yeah! 626 00:49:47,169 --> 00:49:50,630 Right, then. Come on, Vince. Me and you - Butch and Sundance! 627 00:49:50,797 --> 00:49:53,591 - They both died. - (LAUGHS) Yeah! 628 00:49:53,759 --> 00:49:56,469 - Come on, you gimp. Let's go. - Yeah! 629 00:49:56,637 --> 00:49:58,304 Woo-hoo! 630 00:50:00,056 --> 00:50:03,893 (BOTH) Aaaargh! 631 00:50:06,397 --> 00:50:07,772 Aargh! 632 00:50:10,526 --> 00:50:13,235 Do your fire thing! Do the fire thing! 633 00:50:13,404 --> 00:50:14,779 Hurry up! 634 00:50:17,616 --> 00:50:19,742 (SHE SCREAMS) 635 00:50:32,088 --> 00:50:33,631 Oh! 636 00:50:38,553 --> 00:50:40,012 Oh, shit! 637 00:50:49,981 --> 00:50:51,731 Argh! 638 00:50:53,443 --> 00:50:55,402 (GROANS) 639 00:51:34,024 --> 00:51:35,775 Ta. 640 00:51:40,030 --> 00:51:41,572 What do we do now? 641 00:51:41,741 --> 00:51:45,284 We do what everyone else does, when they're facing mortality. 642 00:51:45,452 --> 00:51:47,203 (BOTH) Run. 643 00:51:50,207 --> 00:51:54,043 Wait, wait. I bet you a tenner it's locked. 644 00:51:54,753 --> 00:51:55,753 (MATT) Bollocks. 645 00:51:55,921 --> 00:51:57,588 (VINCE) You owe me tenner. 646 00:52:01,010 --> 00:52:03,136 Oh, my God. 647 00:52:05,472 --> 00:52:07,140 (GASPS) 648 00:52:13,272 --> 00:52:15,856 Look, look. 649 00:52:20,529 --> 00:52:23,864 (VINCE THROUGH WALKlE-TALKIE) Mikey? Neil? ls anyone there? 650 00:52:24,032 --> 00:52:29,202 - Where's the walkie-talkie? - (VlNCE) Lads, can you hear me? 651 00:52:29,370 --> 00:52:33,123 Me and Matt, we're in the church but we've locked the doors. 652 00:52:33,291 --> 00:52:37,878 So if you get over here, please just let me know. Try and get over here. 653 00:52:44,761 --> 00:52:46,845 - (THUD) - We have to get out of here. 654 00:52:47,013 --> 00:52:50,557 Let's follow your mates over to the church. It's our best chance. 655 00:52:50,724 --> 00:52:53,768 I think it's a bit late to start praying, don't you? 656 00:52:54,938 --> 00:52:57,898 You feeling all right, mate? 657 00:52:58,066 --> 00:53:00,567 I have just had a genius idea. 658 00:53:00,734 --> 00:53:05,488 - (GRAHAM) Is everyone ready? - (MIKEY) You're loving this, aren't you? 659 00:53:05,656 --> 00:53:07,740 - Garry? - It's Gavin. 660 00:53:07,908 --> 00:53:10,034 (GAVIN) Let's just get it over with. 661 00:53:13,747 --> 00:53:16,458 - What? - You've done this before, haven't you? 662 00:53:16,625 --> 00:53:20,044 - Don't get any funny ideas - Don't worry, he's not a lesbian. 663 00:53:20,212 --> 00:53:23,881 - Is this gonna work or what? - Let's try. 664 00:53:24,883 --> 00:53:27,218 Here she is! 665 00:53:27,386 --> 00:53:31,055 (RETCHES) 666 00:53:52,577 --> 00:53:55,287 (GRAHAM) Vince, open the church door. 667 00:53:58,708 --> 00:54:00,334 Oh, fuck. 668 00:54:12,930 --> 00:54:15,724 - Fuckin' hell. - Come on, come on! 669 00:54:16,684 --> 00:54:19,520 No, no, no! Don't go in there! Don't go in there! 670 00:54:45,546 --> 00:54:47,505 Wait! That's my nine iron. 671 00:54:47,674 --> 00:54:49,424 (SNARLS) 672 00:54:49,591 --> 00:54:51,677 (LAUGHS) 673 00:54:52,636 --> 00:54:54,095 Come on! 674 00:55:02,063 --> 00:55:05,606 - Oh, Christ, it's the ex. - Vince, we're outside. Open the door. 675 00:55:06,817 --> 00:55:09,360 (MUTTERS) Don't move, just keep smiling. 676 00:55:10,737 --> 00:55:12,655 Our clothes are in there! Shit! 677 00:55:12,823 --> 00:55:14,824 (GARGLES) 678 00:55:14,991 --> 00:55:18,244 Oh, for fuck's sake, Julie. We split up, get over it! 679 00:55:23,124 --> 00:55:25,210 All right, gays...guys! 680 00:55:26,253 --> 00:55:30,130 - Where did you come from? - I took the scenic route. 681 00:55:31,425 --> 00:55:33,300 Come on. 682 00:55:35,512 --> 00:55:37,597 I hate you. I hate you. 683 00:55:38,890 --> 00:55:43,811 Why don't you just sit on me and get it over with, you fat fucking pig! 684 00:56:12,465 --> 00:56:14,549 Vince. 685 00:56:14,717 --> 00:56:18,553 - I really wanna go home. - OK. OK, let's go. 686 00:56:19,639 --> 00:56:21,556 Let's go home. 687 00:56:24,018 --> 00:56:27,604 (GRAHAM) Vince, are you taking piss? This isn't funny any more. 688 00:56:27,772 --> 00:56:30,106 - Let us in. - Hold on, we're coming. 689 00:56:31,609 --> 00:56:34,569 - Come on, hurry up! - What are they doing? 690 00:56:34,737 --> 00:56:37,697 - What are you doing... - What the fuck's this?! 691 00:56:37,865 --> 00:56:40,659 - (MIKEY) Shh, don't laugh at me! - Neil! Neil! 692 00:56:40,826 --> 00:56:43,620 - (Oi!) - Where the fuck have you been? 693 00:56:43,788 --> 00:56:47,123 (ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC: "BAD-ASS CRAZY LADY") 694 00:56:48,208 --> 00:56:51,044 Oh, what a thrill 695 00:56:51,211 --> 00:56:53,296 And you're bound to get ill 696 00:56:53,463 --> 00:56:56,090 697 00:56:56,258 --> 00:56:58,927 - - Hello, girls. 698 00:56:59,094 --> 00:57:02,430 - .. - Who's first? 699 00:57:02,597 --> 00:57:05,391 700 00:57:05,559 --> 00:57:07,768 701 00:57:07,937 --> 00:57:10,229 702 00:57:10,397 --> 00:57:17,987 703 00:57:23,327 --> 00:57:25,411 704 00:57:25,579 --> 00:57:27,621 705 00:57:27,789 --> 00:57:31,209 - - I'll call you. 706 00:57:31,376 --> 00:57:34,670 Show's over. Everyone get inside. 707 00:57:34,838 --> 00:57:37,881 - I don't think so. - Is that supposed to frighten me? 708 00:57:38,049 --> 00:57:41,510 - He said it would make me fell sexy. - Does it? 709 00:57:41,678 --> 00:57:43,721 A little bit, yeah. 710 00:57:47,976 --> 00:57:49,643 Oh, for God's sake! 711 00:57:49,811 --> 00:57:52,813 Can we leave this male posturing bullshit till later? 712 00:57:57,902 --> 00:58:00,696 (ALL SHOUT) Everyone get inside! 713 00:58:08,788 --> 00:58:12,290 I don't think l actually ever used that finger for anything. 714 00:58:13,334 --> 00:58:16,586 - (MIKEY) There's nothing up here. - Come back, then. 715 00:58:16,754 --> 00:58:18,130 We're nearly there. 716 00:58:18,297 --> 00:58:20,757 - Ahh! - Oh, shut up, you girl. 717 00:58:21,634 --> 00:58:23,885 (GRAHAM) That's it. 718 00:58:24,053 --> 00:58:26,096 Talking of girls... 719 00:58:26,264 --> 00:58:29,266 There's not even a spare choir-boy outfit up there. 720 00:58:29,433 --> 00:58:32,101 Sit down, silly-bollocks, you look gorgeous. 721 00:58:32,270 --> 00:58:38,024 - I think that butcher took a shine to you. - Nah, she's not my type, that one. 722 00:58:38,191 --> 00:58:39,901 What about one of the others? 723 00:58:40,068 --> 00:58:43,321 - You would, wouldn't you? - Don't you ever have a day off? 724 00:58:43,489 --> 00:58:47,575 There were three kinky birds in that house. 725 00:58:47,743 --> 00:58:50,244 For second, l thought, you know... 726 00:58:50,413 --> 00:58:54,290 as long as they don't start with that sicking-up bollocks... 727 00:58:54,457 --> 00:58:56,959 The one with the, um, scissors is pretty fit. 728 00:58:57,127 --> 00:59:01,380 She'll have your bollocks for earrings before you've even bought her a drink. 729 00:59:01,548 --> 00:59:04,300 - I like the one with the axe. - (BOTH) She's married. 730 00:59:04,467 --> 00:59:07,845 I can't believe this! You people have no respect for women. 731 00:59:08,013 --> 00:59:12,266 Oh, come on, Graham. That's why you bat for the other side? 732 00:59:12,434 --> 00:59:14,768 All women are mental. 733 00:59:14,937 --> 00:59:19,440 You can't make that kind of sweeping generalisation about an entire gender. 734 00:59:19,607 --> 00:59:22,526 Why not? Look at us. 735 00:59:22,694 --> 00:59:26,905 Look at Vince. His glory days are over. His missus did that to him. 736 00:59:27,074 --> 00:59:30,951 He was king when he met her. She turned him into a fucking ghost. 737 00:59:31,119 --> 00:59:35,581 We brought him out here to convince him that all women aren't out to get him. 738 00:59:35,748 --> 00:59:37,624 Yeah, thanks for that, lads. 739 00:59:37,792 --> 00:59:40,126 It's all gone really fuckin' well, innit? 740 00:59:45,925 --> 00:59:48,677 - What are you looking for? - Yes. 741 00:59:48,845 --> 00:59:50,804 This. 742 00:59:50,972 --> 00:59:53,056 I've done it! 743 00:59:53,224 --> 00:59:55,100 Right. 744 01:00:00,147 --> 01:00:03,483 Wow, we've got the whole village under surveillance. 745 01:00:10,700 --> 01:00:13,368 Well, it's about time. 746 01:00:13,535 --> 01:00:16,162 You've been offline for nearly 24 hours. 747 01:00:16,330 --> 01:00:20,458 And why was my so-called escort called back to Moodley last night, 748 01:00:20,626 --> 01:00:23,879 and left me chained to the fucking briefcase? 749 01:00:24,046 --> 01:00:27,798 That's Meg Nut from the poster, look. 750 01:00:32,513 --> 01:00:34,597 Who are you? 751 01:00:36,725 --> 01:00:39,852 You're not involved with Project Cat-house. 752 01:00:40,020 --> 01:00:42,230 Where's the Colonel? 753 01:00:51,448 --> 01:00:54,074 - Get her back. - It's on fire. 754 01:00:54,242 --> 01:00:57,161 (BEEPING) 755 01:00:57,579 --> 01:00:59,705 (DlSTANT HOWLING) 756 01:00:59,873 --> 01:01:01,666 It's happening. 757 01:01:05,170 --> 01:01:06,921 - What's happening? - Phase lI. 758 01:01:07,088 --> 01:01:10,925 Hold on a minute. What's Phase l? 759 01:01:11,092 --> 01:01:14,804 Sickness, disorientation, psychosis. 760 01:01:14,971 --> 01:01:16,972 Phase II is the mutation. 761 01:01:17,140 --> 01:01:21,310 They're gonna get smarter, faster and weirder. 762 01:01:44,792 --> 01:01:47,377 - What's that? - It's called The Dolphin. 763 01:01:47,545 --> 01:01:50,755 There are high-frequency sonic deterrents all over the village, 764 01:01:50,923 --> 01:01:53,216 emitting painful sound only women can hear. 765 01:01:53,384 --> 01:01:57,136 - So there was a fail-safe all along. - It only works after Phase Il. 766 01:01:57,304 --> 01:02:00,557 - Obviously. - Well, stop talking and press the button. 767 01:02:13,487 --> 01:02:15,697 - Is it working? - I dunno. 768 01:02:16,741 --> 01:02:18,700 Can YOU hear it? 769 01:02:18,868 --> 01:02:21,077 (CRASH) 770 01:02:23,413 --> 01:02:25,623 Um, that doesn't work, does it? 771 01:02:25,791 --> 01:02:28,292 This isn't funny. They'll be relentless now. 772 01:02:28,460 --> 01:02:30,378 They hunt in packs. We are fucked! 773 01:02:30,545 --> 01:02:35,383 For the sake of clarity, we're not dealing with few insane women any more. 774 01:02:35,550 --> 01:02:37,885 What you boys have actually created here 775 01:02:38,053 --> 01:02:42,473 is an army of pissed off, man-hating, feminist cannibals. 776 01:02:42,641 --> 01:02:47,186 This biological weapon can turn one half of the population against the other. 777 01:02:47,354 --> 01:02:52,024 - We can fight wars with no armies. - So this is a test run? 778 01:02:52,191 --> 01:02:55,068 You set the virus loose in an isolated little village 779 01:02:55,236 --> 01:02:57,405 and then sit and watch it on the telly? 780 01:02:57,572 --> 01:03:00,991 They used to do this kind of thing in the '50s with LSD. 781 01:03:01,159 --> 01:03:04,495 Thanks, Matthew. What does Meg Nut have to do with this? 782 01:03:04,663 --> 01:03:09,457 - Not much. She's just a delivery girl. - Yeah. But delivering WHAT? 783 01:03:09,626 --> 01:03:12,920 How fucking stupid are you people? What do you think? 784 01:03:13,087 --> 01:03:15,172 A free box of Wundawash? 785 01:03:20,845 --> 01:03:24,973 The virus is in the washing powder, look. 786 01:03:25,141 --> 01:03:26,724 It's biological. 787 01:03:34,733 --> 01:03:36,693 (SHE LAUGHS) 788 01:03:36,860 --> 01:03:38,570 Everybody, get back. 789 01:03:42,616 --> 01:03:46,411 - Leave her out of it. That's my nan. - I thought she was on a cruise. 790 01:03:46,579 --> 01:03:48,371 Yeah...So did I. 791 01:03:50,208 --> 01:03:52,334 Matt. Matt, no! 792 01:04:19,820 --> 01:04:22,321 You've, um... 793 01:04:23,448 --> 01:04:25,574 There's some stuff on your face. 794 01:04:32,749 --> 01:04:35,209 All right, Matt? 795 01:04:43,051 --> 01:04:45,094 (GRAHAM) Thank you. 796 01:04:46,888 --> 01:04:49,556 Don't go in there, Matt. It's the mortuary. 797 01:04:49,724 --> 01:04:51,642 I think he's traumatised. 798 01:04:51,809 --> 01:04:56,230 I'm the one who's fucking traumatised! Look what he did to my nan. 799 01:04:56,398 --> 01:04:58,565 (VINCE) Matt? Matt? 800 01:05:02,904 --> 01:05:04,738 Matt... 801 01:05:09,411 --> 01:05:12,496 Vince. Run, run! 802 01:05:21,839 --> 01:05:24,174 What's happened? 803 01:05:24,341 --> 01:05:26,134 Is he all right? 804 01:05:26,302 --> 01:05:28,303 No. 805 01:05:29,513 --> 01:05:32,098 So, where is he, then? 806 01:05:32,266 --> 01:05:34,810 He's dead. 807 01:05:44,861 --> 01:05:47,697 (RAGGED BREATHlNG) 808 01:06:16,893 --> 01:06:18,811 Come on! 809 01:06:34,327 --> 01:06:36,328 That's for Matt... 810 01:06:37,455 --> 01:06:39,498 ..bitch. 811 01:06:46,089 --> 01:06:48,173 Shit, shit... 812 01:06:50,010 --> 01:06:54,013 - Look at the state of him. - We can't just leave him here. 813 01:06:54,180 --> 01:06:57,307 What, in mortuary (?) I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 814 01:06:58,768 --> 01:07:01,186 I'm just as freaked out as you are. 815 01:07:02,813 --> 01:07:04,523 (DOOR CREAKS) 816 01:07:04,690 --> 01:07:06,566 What was that? 817 01:07:20,915 --> 01:07:24,167 Vince, don't go down there, that's how she got in. 818 01:07:24,334 --> 01:07:25,877 (THUD) 819 01:07:27,672 --> 01:07:30,674 Yeah, and it might be our only way out. 820 01:07:37,556 --> 01:07:39,390 Ew... 821 01:07:48,901 --> 01:07:50,818 (COUGHING) 822 01:07:57,701 --> 01:08:00,453 (COUGHING AND RETCHING) 823 01:08:16,553 --> 01:08:21,181 - It's the other half of Moodley. - Jesus, it's all the men. 824 01:08:21,349 --> 01:08:24,267 - You mean parts of them. - It's a nest. 825 01:08:28,898 --> 01:08:30,899 (GURGLING GROWL) 826 01:08:31,067 --> 01:08:33,151 Come on, come on! 827 01:08:38,491 --> 01:08:40,659 - Get up, come on! - Get up! 828 01:08:53,589 --> 01:08:55,507 Get up the stairs! Come on! 829 01:08:59,720 --> 01:09:01,763 Vince, Vince! Come on! 830 01:09:01,930 --> 01:09:05,016 - Neil! Neil! - Close the door! 831 01:09:07,019 --> 01:09:10,062 (VINCE) Neil, give us a hand with this! 832 01:09:22,284 --> 01:09:24,411 Hurry up, will ya? 833 01:09:25,454 --> 01:09:28,080 Oi, what are you pair of tarts doing up there? 834 01:09:28,248 --> 01:09:31,375 Banksy, what time do you call this? 835 01:09:31,544 --> 01:09:34,170 You would not believe the shit day I've had. 836 01:09:36,048 --> 01:09:38,174 - What's going on? - Listen, soft-lad, 837 01:09:38,341 --> 01:09:42,804 outside Mikey's nan's house, there's a big ladder, go and bring it back here. 838 01:09:42,971 --> 01:09:44,806 What's with the... 839 01:09:44,973 --> 01:09:48,392 - Get the fucking ladder, soppy bollocks. - Hurry up. 840 01:09:48,560 --> 01:09:51,603 (BANKSY) All right, all right, don't get all aggressive. 841 01:09:53,273 --> 01:09:55,649 (PATRICK) Fuck, help me out! 842 01:09:55,817 --> 01:09:58,652 - Get your ass outside. - I think I'll stay a bit. 843 01:09:58,820 --> 01:10:02,198 Get your ass outside now. Go, fuck off. 844 01:10:03,241 --> 01:10:04,866 Pat, go on. 845 01:10:05,035 --> 01:10:07,119 - All right? - Vince? 846 01:10:07,287 --> 01:10:09,288 Hurry up! 847 01:10:10,623 --> 01:10:14,126 I can see your bikini line from here. What's with the frock? 848 01:10:16,045 --> 01:10:18,714 - What are you doing? - Vince said a get ladder. 849 01:10:18,881 --> 01:10:21,800 So we can get down, you plank, not so you can get up. 850 01:10:21,968 --> 01:10:24,720 - What's happening? - All the women have gone evil. 851 01:10:24,887 --> 01:10:28,515 One of them ate Neil's finger, Matt killed me nan with a nine iron 852 01:10:28,683 --> 01:10:32,478 and now he's dead, and we need to get down the sodding ladder. Down. 853 01:10:32,645 --> 01:10:34,855 You lot been taking drugs? 854 01:10:35,857 --> 01:10:39,192 - You got some left? - Get down, get down! 855 01:10:39,360 --> 01:10:41,152 Move, move! 856 01:10:49,286 --> 01:10:51,329 Go back up! 857 01:10:57,628 --> 01:10:59,379 (MIKEY) We're alive! 858 01:11:01,090 --> 01:11:02,924 Let go! 859 01:11:06,262 --> 01:11:07,928 (BANKSY) Who's the monster? 860 01:11:08,097 --> 01:11:10,765 - What are you still doing here? - Wishing l wasn't. 861 01:11:13,144 --> 01:11:15,978 - (MIKEY) Come on! - Come on, Pat. Come here. 862 01:11:16,147 --> 01:11:19,149 - (MIKEY) Come on, Pat. - Watch his leg! 863 01:11:22,027 --> 01:11:25,029 - Graham, come on, let's go. - You go. 864 01:11:25,196 --> 01:11:27,782 I'm right behind you. 865 01:11:49,054 --> 01:11:50,846 Fuck me. 866 01:11:51,014 --> 01:11:53,140 (ROARS) 867 01:11:54,475 --> 01:11:56,268 Fuckin' hell. 868 01:12:00,773 --> 01:12:03,817 This is worse than the fucking Pamplona Bull Run. 869 01:12:07,488 --> 01:12:09,489 Fuckin' hell! 870 01:12:15,455 --> 01:12:18,373 (lNDISTINCT SHOUTlNG) 871 01:12:18,541 --> 01:12:21,293 (GROWLING) 872 01:12:22,712 --> 01:12:24,838 (EVIL LAUGHTER) 873 01:12:34,098 --> 01:12:35,724 Jesus! 874 01:12:37,435 --> 01:12:40,895 - Get the ladder. Get the ladder. - What's this one? 875 01:12:46,944 --> 01:12:48,612 Come on! 876 01:12:55,786 --> 01:12:57,787 - Come on! - Vince, Vince... 877 01:13:08,090 --> 01:13:10,925 - Banksy, give us your phone. - I left it at home. 878 01:13:11,093 --> 01:13:13,511 Right, of course, yeah... 879 01:13:13,678 --> 01:13:15,346 Where are you parked, then? 880 01:13:15,514 --> 01:13:18,266 Behind the big billboard lying across the street. 881 01:13:18,433 --> 01:13:21,269 (PANTING) 882 01:13:26,941 --> 01:13:29,026 (VINCE) What's that? 883 01:13:29,194 --> 01:13:32,238 - It's a rental. - It's a rental? 884 01:13:34,198 --> 01:13:36,825 What do you mean it's a rental? Where's your van? 885 01:13:36,993 --> 01:13:39,077 - It broke down, I forgot. - You forgot? 886 01:13:39,245 --> 01:13:41,705 Repeating everything l say ain't gonna help, Vince. 887 01:13:41,873 --> 01:13:44,542 What's not gonna help is that fuckin' moon buggy. 888 01:13:44,709 --> 01:13:47,545 Maybe we can squeeze in. I'll sit on someone's lap. 889 01:13:47,712 --> 01:13:52,340 Shut up. Forget it, it's too small. Why did you even get here? 890 01:13:52,508 --> 01:13:55,593 - What are you trying to say? - This trip was bad a idea. 891 01:13:55,762 --> 01:13:57,680 No...really (?) 892 01:13:57,847 --> 01:14:02,059 - It could be worse. - It could be worse? 893 01:14:02,226 --> 01:14:05,687 How many fingers am l holding up? They're fucking eating us! 894 01:14:05,855 --> 01:14:09,566 - How can it get any worse? - Can everyone shut the fuck up? 895 01:14:09,733 --> 01:14:15,197 Cracking skulls open with a nine iron is not my idea of golfing holiday! 896 01:14:15,364 --> 01:14:19,159 But this is not Mikey's fault, and it's not Banksy's. 897 01:14:19,327 --> 01:14:21,994 I'm sure as fucking shit, it's not mine either. 898 01:14:23,122 --> 01:14:25,123 Relax... Relax... 899 01:14:26,041 --> 01:14:31,379 Now, we all need to work together to facilitate some kind of positive - 900 01:14:31,547 --> 01:14:35,800 and l mean POSlTIVE escape scenario, 'cause l'm not dying in this shit hole! 901 01:14:45,143 --> 01:14:47,437 (GROWLING) 902 01:14:52,192 --> 01:14:56,445 (iPOD) There's nothing wrong with you that can't be fixed with a smile. 903 01:14:58,824 --> 01:15:00,908 Get on the bus. 904 01:15:03,536 --> 01:15:05,329 Come on! 905 01:15:06,581 --> 01:15:08,457 Ruth! 906 01:15:11,086 --> 01:15:13,129 (SHE HISSES) 907 01:15:19,011 --> 01:15:37,194 Banksy! 908 01:15:43,493 --> 01:15:46,412 Come on! l've had enough of standing here! 909 01:15:46,579 --> 01:15:49,706 I'll fuckin stick it in ya! I'll fucking stick it in ya! 910 01:15:49,874 --> 01:15:51,917 (VINCE) Get in the fucking bus! 911 01:15:52,084 --> 01:15:54,711 I'm fucking sick of it! Fuck! 912 01:15:55,713 --> 01:15:57,923 Come on, Vince, let's go! Let's go! 913 01:16:01,928 --> 01:16:05,596 - What are you doing? - I'm having a mid-life crisis. 914 01:16:07,641 --> 01:16:09,893 What, now? Can't it wait? 915 01:16:10,061 --> 01:16:11,477 No. 916 01:16:11,645 --> 01:16:14,105 Well, it's about fucking time. 917 01:16:16,943 --> 01:16:19,319 Anyone seen me lighter? 918 01:16:19,486 --> 01:16:21,696 Where's me lighter? 919 01:16:24,491 --> 01:16:27,535 Oi, look after it next time, yeah? 920 01:16:32,541 --> 01:16:36,919 You know, I always thought you two were completely fucking useless. 921 01:16:37,087 --> 01:16:40,631 You - you just follow your dick like it's a fucking compass. 922 01:16:40,799 --> 01:16:44,844 And you - you're letting your marriage slip through your fucking fingers. 923 01:16:45,011 --> 01:16:47,430 Neither of you know anything about women. 924 01:16:47,598 --> 01:16:51,809 - So why are you two still fuckin' alive? - We're not gonna be for much longer, 925 01:16:51,977 --> 01:16:54,895 if you don't stop yapping and get us out of here! 926 01:16:57,190 --> 01:17:03,278 The rest of us, we try to do everything by the book - and we get shafted. 927 01:17:03,446 --> 01:17:05,948 We try to be what they want us to be. 928 01:17:06,116 --> 01:17:12,747 You know, we become reliable, mature, domesticated. 929 01:17:13,915 --> 01:17:16,125 And then what happens? 930 01:17:16,292 --> 01:17:19,419 They get bored - that's what happens. 931 01:17:23,216 --> 01:17:28,053 If all women really want is pet, why don't they buy a fucking Labrador? 932 01:17:31,224 --> 01:17:35,394 I've had enough, being told to sit, and lie down, 933 01:17:35,561 --> 01:17:38,438 and roll over, and play dead. 934 01:17:46,113 --> 01:17:50,409 From now on, what you see is what you get. 935 01:17:55,247 --> 01:17:56,915 For fuck's sake! 936 01:17:57,082 --> 01:17:59,834 Vince, you do know the road's blocked. 937 01:18:00,002 --> 01:18:04,172 Bollocks to the roadblock. l've been living by the highway code all my life. 938 01:18:04,339 --> 01:18:07,967 Where did it get me? A one-way ticket to Moodley. 939 01:18:08,135 --> 01:18:12,305 Buckle up, lads. We're going off road. 940 01:18:17,436 --> 01:18:19,603 Whoo! 941 01:18:30,199 --> 01:18:33,742 Vince, watch out for the old biddy. 942 01:18:35,287 --> 01:18:37,330 Whoa, easy, easy! 943 01:18:46,965 --> 01:18:48,799 Oh, my God! 944 01:18:55,390 --> 01:18:57,350 What was that? 945 01:18:57,517 --> 01:18:59,560 Fat bird. 946 01:19:00,937 --> 01:19:03,188 Slow down, Vince. Slow down. 947 01:19:36,305 --> 01:19:38,348 Hello, hello... 948 01:19:43,771 --> 01:19:45,855 Hello? ls anybody there? 949 01:19:46,023 --> 01:19:49,359 Graham, we thought you got squashed. Where are you? 950 01:19:49,527 --> 01:19:52,737 In the nest with the stiffs. 951 01:19:52,905 --> 01:19:54,989 (GRAHAM) Where are you? 952 01:19:56,534 --> 01:19:58,493 Coming to get you, silly twat. 953 01:20:00,704 --> 01:20:02,664 (NEIL) Let's do it. 954 01:20:13,884 --> 01:20:16,302 Ew... 955 01:21:02,223 --> 01:21:04,350 Who's your favourite Spice Girl? 956 01:21:06,728 --> 01:21:11,189 Here's the plan. We're gonna go down there, get Graham, 957 01:21:11,357 --> 01:21:14,610 piss off to the nearest pub, somewhere much nicer than this, 958 01:21:14,777 --> 01:21:20,031 have a little bit of lunch and then get absolutely shit-faced. Any questions? 959 01:21:20,199 --> 01:21:21,783 Yeah. 960 01:21:22,076 --> 01:21:26,079 You do realise that we're slightly outnumbered, right? 961 01:21:26,247 --> 01:21:28,456 Pass one of them golf clubs. 962 01:21:28,624 --> 01:21:31,584 No, give me a wood. 963 01:21:31,753 --> 01:21:33,837 Give him wood as well. 964 01:21:44,640 --> 01:21:48,101 Right. We're outnumbered, and outgunned. 965 01:21:48,269 --> 01:21:50,478 But I've got the hump. 966 01:21:50,646 --> 01:21:54,815 So we're gonna go down there in a very ungentlemanly fashion 967 01:21:54,983 --> 01:21:58,194 and...present company excepted, of course, 968 01:21:58,362 --> 01:22:02,657 bash the living shit out of anything in a dress. 969 01:22:02,824 --> 01:22:04,950 Bloody hell, Vince... 970 01:22:06,620 --> 01:22:08,663 ..not very PC is it? 971 01:22:29,267 --> 01:22:30,392 Come on. 972 01:22:35,982 --> 01:22:37,817 (NEIL) Let's have it! 973 01:22:41,863 --> 01:22:45,240 (HlGH-PITCHED BUZZlNG TONE) 974 01:22:50,038 --> 01:22:51,705 Now what? 975 01:22:57,712 --> 01:23:00,088 Oi, oi! 976 01:23:01,090 --> 01:23:03,217 You all right? 977 01:23:05,177 --> 01:23:07,178 I've got it working. 978 01:23:07,347 --> 01:23:09,306 Let me see that, let me see that. 979 01:23:12,977 --> 01:23:15,228 (ELECTRICAL WHINING) 980 01:23:32,412 --> 01:23:33,747 Ahh! 981 01:23:40,045 --> 01:23:43,297 Remote-controlled women. 982 01:23:43,465 --> 01:23:46,550 - (MIKEY) Do it again, Neil! - (NEIL) Oh, my word! 983 01:23:50,639 --> 01:23:52,181 Take that. 984 01:23:53,183 --> 01:23:54,725 Get in there, Graham. 985 01:24:04,236 --> 01:24:06,320 (VINCE) Be careful, Neil. 986 01:24:10,158 --> 01:24:11,867 Whoa! 987 01:24:14,078 --> 01:24:17,080 Oh, l'm lovin' this. Absolutely lovin' it. 988 01:24:17,248 --> 01:24:20,375 Lovely little thing, ain't you, sweetheart, eh? 989 01:24:21,753 --> 01:24:23,754 Whoa, whoa! 990 01:24:26,465 --> 01:24:29,802 Vince, you got to have a bang on this, mate. Just have a bang! 991 01:24:29,969 --> 01:24:34,139 - (VINCE) Bollocks! - (ELECTRlCAL WHINING) 992 01:24:38,978 --> 01:24:40,520 Go! 993 01:24:43,149 --> 01:24:46,819 (ROCK MUSIC) 994 01:24:50,990 --> 01:24:53,283 (LAUGHTER) 995 01:24:58,497 --> 01:25:01,541 (lNDISTINCT SHOUTlNG AND LAUGHTER)